This quote by Sylvia Plath rightly represents my current state of mind. As a matter of fact, current state of mind for a lot of people I think.
We are living in a rat world, constantly running, a continuous race. We have forgotten what it is like to live.
I honestly do not know if I am surviving or living. I am always worried about my career, EMIs, relationships etc… Its like the issues never end.
I see everybody around me with the same problems home loan, car loan, credit card bills, no family time, hardly copulating. The kind of stress our elders took in 40’s we are doing that in 20’s.
The mental health issues have raised drastically over the years. We are constantly putting each other down for our own ego boost.
I have reached a point where I just want to live. Enjoy little things in life. Stop running. I want to try everything good bad and ugly. And I know after that I will be at peace. Because I would trade all this negativity, hopelessness, hatred and disappointment for nothingness in a heartbeat.
I want to hear my thoughts and feel my heart beat in soft tones like it is supposed to.
This is a post by Anishka Sharma that I came across.
I could not help but weep, weep at the feeling that I could relate to it so much. I know I am not a transgender. But, as a woman an Indian woman I do face identity crisis. I have to battle judgement on daily basis with my sanity and happiness.
“ thirty years it took me to find who i am and slowly become who i was meant to be”– I am doing the same but finding acceptance is near impossible.
“Embedded in this garment are the feet of a young child walking in pain, the hands of a suicidal teenager holding the pieces of a broken heart, the lungs of an insecure adult still learning how to breathe a steady rhythm..” —- I want to know what steady rhythm feel like.
But Kama La thank you, thank you for putting this out there!
“”When Kama La Mackerel, a 32-year-old Montreal-based performer, poet, multi-disciplinary artist, and community organizer, came out to her parents, she struggled to get accepted by them. But, in a fortunate turn of events, her mother not only accepted her, but also gifted her a saree.
“Thank you mom, for gifting me your own favourite sari, and for insisting that i wear it to my best friend’s wedding. my relationship to my family, just like my relationship to femininity, has always been a fraught one, my family having been the first site of punishment that i experienced for transgressing gender norms. these two relationships are tied in a knot that I’ve had to unravel, one alongside each other, over the years:
Embroidered in these six yards of silk are the thirty years it took me to find who i am and slowly become who i was meant to be;
Hidden in the deep blue of this sari are three decades of navigating rejection and acceptance, punishment and compassion, rage and forgiveness;
Threaded in this fabric is a lifetime of silence and dejection, the weaving of the unspoken over my skin, the (un)wrapping of shame around my body;
Embedded in this garment are the feet of a young child walking in pain, the hands of a suicidal teenager holding the pieces of a broken heart, the lungs of an insecure adult still learning how to breathe a steady rhythm…
But wrapped around my body is also the gift of peace & acceptance: an offering of love, a request for forgiveness, the recognition of souls beaming truth in the sunlight, and the possibility of re-imagining, re-creating and re-enchanting ourselves, each other and our relationships.””
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’ — Bill Maher
“I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me.”
― David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson
“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”
― Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story
These few lines do a good job of summing up what apart of depression feels like. Suicide may look easy, an easy way to get out of problems and situations.
And in worst conditions it seems to be the best solution. I do not know if it is. I just know it is a dark place, a very dark place. I have been there. If hell does exist then, then the mind of a potential suicider is the best illustration of it.
Life is supposed to be beautiful, not always but it should be livable; and this is something that is in our hands only. The day we start to attach our happiness with other people, we are in deep trouble.
I just urge people to find things that makes them happy, ending a life is not a solution!
Please do not do it. And like me if you have tried get yourself a reminder, to not repeat it again.