Scarred for life!!!

She was beautiful girl, who wanted to become an IPS officer. Getting trained at NCC (National Cadets Corp) she went along with her life. Little did she know that all of it is going to change. Sonal…

Source: Scarred for life!!!

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Lonely!!!

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty”. —Mother Teresa

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Loneliness does not see status, background or gender; it just sneaks on you. Being a part of a few support groups I have come to realize that almost everybody I meet is lonely.

It changes you….. Loneliness changes you. I am not the person I was before. Years of loneliness have finally caught up.  Now it’s just fight against time to just live …. Survive. How did I get here? No clue. Why me? No clue.

What do I know then? Is this it? Is this the end?

I am sure these questions have played in the mind of every person battling loneliness. There is no shame in admitting you are lonely. Let us talk about it. Talk about why are we lonely? What do we miss the most?

Maybe someone finally will understand …… take our loneliness away. Is it possible? I don’t know……but I sure hope so.

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I am learning how to handle my loneliness. Here are a few things that I think helps, if you are in the same boat as me… please read on.

  1. Being surrounded by people does not mean we are not lonely. We can be in a room full of people and feel very lonely.
  2. Stop looking for the special one. Yes! You heard me right. It is tedious and if you come across people who are not worth your time and effort… it just going to make you lonelier and shattered.
  3. Anybody who promises to be there and still finds fun and solace everywhere else, cut that person out of your life immediately. Yes! I know they are the only ones we can count on. It’s difficult and everything. But get through this and I promise things are going to change.
  4. Invest in yourself. First stop asking why. Just invest in yourself… eat well. Sleep well… make yourself the best version of you.
  5. Do things that scare you. Trust me. The best one. Get comfortable eating alone (your food is not going to cheat on you)…. Sleep alone (your pillow will comfort only you and not a so called “friend”). Travel alone…. Meet new people
  6. Do things you love…. Dance…sing…paint…travel…read…cook…..have one night stands……anything anything at all that makes you happy.

It is a small life… though it may seem big to us lonely folks but it actually is small…let us make it unlimited….. Whatever the reason for your survival…parents…children…siblings……revenge…..whatever….. It is…it is your goal…make it happen…take every day as it comes…..do not think too much…do not worry about future……I know it is difficult but let us just try and make…make it with hope in our hearts and smile on our faces.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. —- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Chai…chai…garam chai..!!!!

Cutting, kadak, extra doodh, extra cheeni…..whatever the preference is a cup of hot tea is inviting, comforting and one of the best stress reliever.

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Nothing matches the feeling of a cup of tea at a tapri on a pleasant and calm night. Warm vapors of the steam, the fragrance of tea with ginger or cardamom and the warmth of the cup travelling up the hands! Ah pure bliss!!!!

Everybody has a preference for the kind of tea they like, every state has their recipe for tea. From Kashmiri Kahwa to Kerala’s Kattan chai and from Assam’s Sah to Rajasthan’s malai mar ke chai….we have a lot of options to choose from.

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But our beloved chai is never single. A cup of tea always has a mate whether it is a sutta for the corporate crowd or bun maska for the college goers or biscuit for the quintessential Indian household. We all remember our dads with their cup of tea and newspaper in the morning, don’t we???The tea combos that we Indians have created are to die for.

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The best conversations and important decisions are made over a cuppa chai. The zombie in us is put to rest by a quick cup of tea in the morning.

Green, black, milk whatever you like I am sure you cannot imagine your life without a cup of chai.

India being the second largest producer of tea after China is a proof of our love for tea and how good we are with spreading our love…. This weekend get your best people go out to the favorite tapri and float away to the world of flavor, warmth, nostalgia and conversations.

Cheers!!!!!

FREEEEE!!!!!!

“I am free and that is why I am lost.”— Franz Kafka

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Being free and being lost, the two most craved and misunderstood feelings in the world.

What is being free? What is being lost? I do not know either. But I know that I am free at the moment, free from the ties, free from being held down. I do not have any ties, I do not have people telling me what I need to do, where I should go, what is good for me etc.… This is good right… I always craved for this ……. I have spent years waking up each morning to pray for freedom… Yet I am unable to enjoy it!

I crave for the feeling of belonging…. I do not want people breathing down my neck… but just that once in a while hold me back from my wild ways…. Hear out my craziness and be a part of it kind of belonging… and ofcourse you do not establish this with a random person… it is very intimate…very personal…..

I have realized that being free does not come free either…. You pay a price for it… the price called loneliness….. and it is a huge price to pay… your friends and family establish that you need nobody…but fact of the matter is you do… you need that one person who gets you in your space…. Does not change a thing in your tantrums…. Calms you down and again gets you all riled up too…

But well…..we cannot bake our own cake and have it too…so….

In this galaxy full of stars…..find your shine…. Shine bright…..free or lost…..its your shine after all!!!!

Am I The Ugly Duckling????

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As a kid I used to love the story of “The Ugly Duckling” by Hans Christian Andersen. I used to think that I will also grow up to be a swan. I am probably just mistaken as the ugly duckling (child’s innocence)!

But now my perception of the story is very different. The author ends the story with the duckling throwing himself at the flock of the swans (suicide, been there, done that!) and the swans welcome him and they fly away together (birds of a feather flock together). His people accept him for who he is!

Does this happen though? The good looking people live in a different world altogether. They don’t understand the basic struggles of us average people. A good looking person gets what he/she wants. I don’t know if this works true for men but for women I am a living witness, good looking girls actually have world at their feet.

They can move forward in the career, get a wonderful man to fall in love with them, chose not to marry him, get married to even better (the old one still pining for them!), the cosmetic industry first curates stuff for them…they do not have to go through the stares of the salesperson when the ask for something better, they are shown whatever is the best!!

Us average people are like the second class citizens in this world; struggle with jobs, constantly prove themselves, listen to endless tips and tricks to look better, love is far far far fetched(u know my mom and dad would not approve of you) and Thank God for online shopping!!!

The things we hear are hilarious and amusing all at the same time. The words like:

  • a good person,
  • cute,
  • sweet,
  • Oh! Lovely eyes,
  • no you look fine,
  • Who says dark people don’t look beautiful?

We recently my friend was telling me that his very fair friend is dating a dark person, and I could not stop laughing; I mean what is it supposed to mean? Is it coz that fair person has a kind heart to date a not good looking person? I mean, why can we not understand that God created us different and instead to making fun of it and bullying somebody for the way they look why can we not just love our differences?

I guess too much to ask for humans to be human!!!

I admit I am an ugly duckling and there is nothing I can do about it! I wish I could, but I know I cant, and now it does not matter.

Religion or Humanity!!!

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I came across this post on Facebook. I liked it! But for some reason I kept reading it again and again and again. The post disturbed me. I saw the post just after the ban on immigrants by the very popular Mr. Trump.

India is a country where Religion+Language+Caste+Gender = Identity. Nobody can change it, everybody seems OK with it. Heck! We even end up marrying complete stranger to keep the “identity” intact!

But targeting a religion, how is it fair? Whether it’s done to get votes or make cults… it only leads to discrimination and destruction. The world has seen enough wars… we have come far from those times…. Why can we not deal with things in a better manner?

All the religions preach love…. God is a creator…. A creator would not want to destroy….. Imagine yourself to be a creator … you have make a painting or a pot or building or a family…. You would do everything in your power to protect it. Similarly God does not want destruction, war and debates. It is us humans who do that…we play with faith, truth and the worst of all the humanity.

I encourage you to love people beyond their “identity”. In the fight for all let not humanity get lost!!!!!

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Guideline or Dictatorship????

Socialism is a fraud, a comedy, a phantom, a blackmail. Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy.— Benito Mussolini

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For the people, of the people and by the people…. I remember reading the lines in a textbook back in school. As a little girl I was so proud that my country is built on the foundation of its citizens. I remember feeling hopeful, hopeful that by the time I am a grownup, I will contribute to “by the people” part of the system.

And yes I am a grownup now, Earning for nearly a decade, paying taxes and managing to survive by scraping each dream off the list slowly and steadily( I mean who needs a home or better medical insurance, and why have kids I don’t want them to be illiterates!)

Governments come and governments go!  But what amuses me is that they try to outdo themselves and in the worse possible way. The latest feather in the hat being the new “guidelines for the disabled during National Anthem”.

The government over the years has done their best to support the disabled or as I like to call them specially-abled. How much of the support actually reaches them is another debate all together. So if they expect something in return that’s only fair right? I mean there are no free lunches in the world. The government provides you with benefits so that you can vote for them again!

But imposing patriotism in form of attention to National Anthem is kind of being unreasonable. I mean don’t you think so? How do you label a citizen patriotic on their attention to National Anthem?

We citizens of India love our country, we may not be at our best behavior of late, but we do. Even the NRIs do I am sure. We don’t need telling to respect the National Anthem. Our specially abled citizens are no different government! they do not need the guidelines. A bedridden person or an athlete have different manners to reflect their patriotism. Make such guidelines shows that you care of the superficial issues as compared to the real ones. Make guidelines on not assaulting a fellow citizen. And make those guidelines so strong that  no such incident is ever repeated again.

Let’s not just change or add guidelines, but make such changes that our history reflects our growth!!!

Traffic Signal- A Short Story

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You are going to be late again…. He is going to be on my case again today… does that old man have nothing better to do….thought Kaveri to herself rushing down the stairs of her apartment. She hurried down and started her scooty and rode as fast as she could. Navigating through the morning traffic she read a silent prayer that she does have to stop at any signals today… it will save a lot of time….she prayed. But as always the signal turned red. She had to stop. Nervously glancing at her watch she kept thinking… how she can ever manage to make it to work on time. Her time management moment was interrupted with rainbow of colors floating right across her eyes. She looked up to see what it was. They were balloons of different colors and shapes floating in the sky held together by a girl. Kaveri was exported to her childhood… the fun of running …..running very fast to make the balloon fly …… yet holding it tight not wanting to let go of it was a cherished moment for her. She wondered if she could do that ever again in her life. Play and run like a free spirit. The feeling of being a grownup had started to kick in. She thought of how lucky the girl was she could make an earning selling the balloon and when bored could also play with them. She turned her envious eyes on the girl. Just as the traffic signal turned green she noticed the girl …….. her kohl rimmed eyes met the envious eyes of Kaveri.

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That look stayed with her. Kaveri could not stop thinking of the kohl rimmed eyes of the balloon girl. She kept thinking to herself what is it that she saw in her eyes was. She reached her office only to find her boss already angry at her for being late.

She immediately took her notepad and pen to enter the ongoing meeting. She dreaded the meetings. She thought to herself I wanted to be a writer and not a corporate dog. I really must take better control of my career. The meeting as always was just numbers and impossible expectations and outrageous plans.

After the meeting… she pinged her bestie to go out for breakfast. They left the office to go out to a roadside kiosk that served steaming hot idlis. The steaming hot idlis can fix any sort of mood she said to her friend. The breakfast and her friends company calmed her down from the tsunami of the morning meeting. Yet she could not stop thinking about the balloons and the girl. She told her bestie what she had experienced. But neither of them could figure of what was the point that Kaveri was stuck on.

The day went on as usual and finally it was time to leave from work. This is the only part of the day I look forward to said Kaveri to her friend…. They bid the goodbyes and Kaveri started her ride back home. She stopped at the same signal again to find the balloons and the girl. Kaveri thought has she not sold any since morning. They look the same! How does she manage her livelihood? Where does she live? Does she have her parents? Does she really spend the entire day on the roads? The balloon girl caught Kaveri staring at her… she swiftly moved towards her and asked Kaveri if she was interested in buying a balloon. Seeing the balloons so close Kaveri was tempted and bought one. She asked the girl her name and the girl responded saying why does she want to know her name? Then just smiled and said my name is Pavitra. Kaveri realized that the signal has turned green and switched on her scooty and left. She was happy to have bought the balloon and kept glancing at it.

After reaching home Kaveri realized she had forgotten to take the change from Pavitra. I always do this… why am I so forgetful? Chuck it what can I do now? I will think I donated that money in a temple… anyways Pavitra is poor na… a little extra money will not hurt her… Kaveri thought to herself.

Next day at the traffic signal again Kaveri was busy looking at the watch and cursing herself for being late. She noticed a tap on her shoulder… she looked up to see Pavitra standing there with her change in her hands. Kaveri said no its ok you keep it…. I cannot take this from you… she then noticed Pavitra’s smile fading from her face. Pavitra quietly said ….. I charged you for the balloon you bought…. If I needed charity I would have been a beggar instead…. If you want to be nice to me … please take the change. Kaveri feeling embarrassed and angry took the change and looked away. That’s so rude… you cannot help poor people in this country. What attitude she has for being a balloon seller! Kaveri sped from the signal as fast as she could trying to calm herself down.

The days went by but Kaveri had not forgotten her humiliation. She kept thinking to herself what did she do wrong that Pavitra was to behave this way. She wanted to confront Pavitra but she thought… she is just a poor balloon girl if I confront her she will know that her words effected me. I cannot do that.

Each day she would see the balloon girl running about the traffic signals to sell the balloons and make a living. Kaveri then decided rich or poor harsh words are harsh words I shall confront her. That evening she decided to stop at the signal and talk to Pavitra. All the way back she kept thinking of the things that she would say to Pavitra. Kaveri reached the signal stopped her scooty near a kiosk and walked towards Pavitra.

Pavitra oblivious to everything cheerfully asked her if she wanted to buy a balloon and asked her what happened to the one she had bought earlier. Kaveri gathered her courage and asked her why did she had to be so rude the other day. Pavitra realizing the situation asked her what she wanted to hear…. Do you want me to apologize for being honest or do you want to know the reason. Kaveri wanted only her due apology but this question aroused curiosity in her and she said I want to know the reason and also the apology that you owe me. Pavitra said that earning money is very important to her…. Her father had abandoned her family…. She and her mother work to be able to provide for themselves. She wants to earn enough to be able to fund her education. She wanted to work in an office just like Kaveri. And education is expensive you know… good books cost a lot… but I dream and work hard to make my dreams come true. If I start taking charity….. I will get used to it and I don’t want that… life is not charity you know… Kaveri realizing her mistake quickly apologized and left…. Pavitra following her apologized and said that if you really want to her a poor person build their character and not just offer money.

Kaveri could not hold back her tears…. She knew she had a better life as compared to a lot of other people… but seeing that in person is a different thing all together…. She thought how easily I give up on my dreams …. How I blame everyone around me for my failures… its not about financial status… it is about strength and perseverance…. Pavitra may be poor today… but she is a fighter and a survivor…. She prayed for only good things to happen with Pavitra. I should help her…. But how can I? I don’t want to degrade her by offering the money again…. What about books…. She wants education and books will help her. Kaveri made a mental note to buy as many books as she can for Pavitra and silently thanked Pavitra for making her a better person. Kaveri smiled thinking of Pavitra’s eyes and realized that it was determination that she had seen the other day that stayed with her and it always will!!!

What am I thinking today!!

A lie has many variations, the truth has none!— An African Proverb.

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Truth and lie… are like the inseparable siblings. How ever much the truth is suppressed, it finds its way. I hate lies. I hate people who lie. I hate people who can lie with a straight face unapologetic-ally.

All forms of lie, they destroy hope, perseverance and humanity. I personally am a bad liar. But yes, I am good at burying myself. What I feel, I want and deserve. I can bury it all.

If anybody is reading this please don’t lie, especially to the ones who care for you. You are not comforting them or keeping them safe. You are saving yourself and breaking the trust of the other person. And that leads to broken hearts! Please do not do it. Please do not lie.